When Punishment Isn’t Working: The Pivot
“I don’t care how many points I lose. That’s just a stupid number on an app.” Yep. This is a direct quote from a student I was working through behavior problems with. I’m a huge fan of apps like Class Dojo or Live School (when used properly), but there are some kids who, frankly, just don’t care about those points.
As parents and/or educators it can be incredibly frustrating when traditional punishments don’t seem to have any effect on a child’s behavior. You might feel like you’ve tried everything—time-outs, taking away privileges, or grounding—only to see no improvement. But what if the issue isn’t with your child’s ability to learn but with the effectiveness of punishment itself?
The good news is that if punishment isn’t working, it’s an opportunity to shift your approach to something that fosters intrinsic motivation and long-term growth. It’s time to learn what motivates change. Let’s explore the difference between punishment and consequences, why punishment may fall short, and how you can guide your child to make better choices from within.
The Difference Between Consequences and Punishment
Understanding the distinction between consequences and punishment is key to making that pivot.
Punishment is often a reaction to undesirable behavior, designed to cause discomfort or pain in some way to deter future misbehavior. This might look like taking away a toy, sending a child to their room, or banning screen time.
Consequences, on the other hand, are directly tied to the child’s actions and help them learn from their mistakes. Consequences aren’t meant to shame or hurt; they are meant to teach. For example, if a child breaks a toy, the natural consequence is that they no longer have that toy to play with. If they miss curfew, a logical consequence might be an earlier curfew the next time.
While punishment focuses on control, consequences focus on teaching. And that’s where real change happens.
Why Punishment Isn’t Always Effective
Research shows that punishment often fails to bring about lasting behavioral change.
Research shows that punishment often fails to bring about lasting behavioral change. Here’s why:
It Doesn’t Address the Root Cause: Punishment focuses on the surface behavior without addressing the underlying reason why the child is acting out. If a child is throwing tantrums because they feel overwhelmed, taking away their tablet might stop the behavior momentarily, but it won’t teach them how to manage their emotions.
It Creates Power Struggles: Punishment can lead to a battle of wills. Children might feel resentful or rebellious, focusing on how unfair the punishment feels instead of learning why their behavior was wrong.
It Can Undermine Self-Esteem: When punishment becomes the primary way we respond to misbehavior, it can leave children feeling like they’re “bad” rather than capable of making better choices. This can damage their self-worth over time.
It Relies on External Motivation: Punishment teaches children to behave because they want to avoid something negative, not because they’ve learned why certain behaviors are important. This reliance on external motivation doesn’t foster the internal growth necessary for lasting change.
Shifting Toward Intrinsic Motivation
Instead of relying on punishment, we want to guide our children toward making good choices because it feels right to them, not because they fear the consequences. Here’s how to nurture that intrinsic motivation:
Model the Behavior You Want to See: Children are constantly learning from us, even when we’re not actively teaching. By modeling kindness, empathy, and responsibility, you’re showing your child what these qualities look like in action. When you calmly handle stress or admit when you’ve made a mistake, you’re giving them tools they can draw on in their own lives.
Give Them Ownership of Their Choices: Empower your child by letting them take ownership of their decisions. Instead of telling them what they must do, offer choices that allow them to practice decision-making. For example, “Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?” When children feel in control of their choices, they’re more likely to engage with the process.
Praise Effort, Not Results: Focus on the effort your child is putting in, rather than just the outcome. For example, “I noticed how hard you worked on your project” helps them feel proud of the process, not just the grade. This builds a growth mindset, where they understand that their efforts are what lead to success.
Use Logical Consequences: Tie consequences to the behavior in a way that helps them learn. If your child leaves their bike outside and it gets rained on, the consequence is that their bike may rust or not work properly. This helps them understand the impact of their actions without feeling like they’re being “punished.”
Encourage Empathy: Help your child understand how their actions affect others. If they’ve hurt someone’s feelings, have them think about how they would feel in the same situation and encourage them to make amends. This teaches them the power of empathy and accountability.
When It’s Time to Pivot
Time to Pivot
When your methods aren’t working, it’s time to make a change.
If you’ve been relying on punishment and it’s not working, don’t be discouraged. It simply means it’s time to pivot to a new approach—one that focuses on growth and connection rather than control. Here’s how to start:
Be Reflective: Take a step back and consider what your child might really need. Are they seeking attention, struggling with emotions, or unsure of what’s expected of them? By identifying the root cause of the behavior, you can address it in a way that fosters growth.
Be Patient: Change doesn’t happen overnight, and there will be missteps along the way. But by focusing on teaching, guiding, and supporting your child, you’re laying the foundation for long-term success.
Be Compassionate: Both toward your child and yourself. Parenting is hard, and shifting your approach can feel daunting. But every step toward fostering intrinsic motivation is a step toward building a healthier, happier relationship with your child.
When punishment isn’t working, it’s an opportunity to embrace a more meaningful approach—one that builds intrinsic motivation, strengthens your connection with your child, and leads to long-lasting change. By focusing on consequences that teach rather than punish, and encouraging empathy and ownership, you’ll be guiding your child toward making better choices from the inside out. And through it all, you’ll be showing them that, no matter what, you’re in this together.
You’ve got this.
